50 Dates Worse Than Yours Read online

  50

  DATES

  WORSE

  THAN

  YOURS

  BY THE SAME AUTHOR

  50 Days Worse Than Yours

  50 Relatives Worse Than Yours

  50 Boyfriends Worse Than Yours

  50 Jobs Worse Than Yours

  J. Crewd

  50

  DATES

  WORSE

  THAN

  YOURS

  Justin Racz

  BLOOMSBURY

  Copyright © 2007 by Justin Racz

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or

  reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission

  from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied

  in critical articles or reviews.

  For information address Bloomsbury USA, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10010.

  Published by Bloomsbury USA, New York

  Distributed to the trade by Holtzbrinck Publishers

  All papers used by Bloomsbury USA are natural, recyclable

  products made from wood grown in well-managed forests. The

  manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations

  of the country of origin.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.

  eISBN: 978-1-59691-973-0

  First U.S. Edition 2007

  1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

  Designed by Elizabeth Van Itallie and Justin Racz

  Printed in Singapore by Tien Wah Press

  For Julie.

  Thank you for taking me away from the madness.

  Contents

  1. Proposes on First Date

  2. Joe Hickey

  3. The Doodler

  4. Karaoke

  5. She Was in It for the Meal

  6. Surprise! You Were Related

  7. Shorter in Person

  8. Painfully Chivalrous

  9. Spinach in Teeth

  10. Ménage à Blackberry

  11. Hope You Like Meat

  12. Conjugal Visit

  13. Peep Show

  14. Passover

  15. Vegas "Date"

  16. First Date

  17. Too Hot

  18. Dating the Bartender

  19. AA Meeting

  20. Kiddy Date

  21. Protest Rally

  22. Almost Divorced

  23. Creepy Non-Blinker

  24. She Was Pregnant

  25. The Dutchman

  26. Needs a Green Card

  27. Cockfight

  28. Cow Tipping

  29. Was It a Date?

  30. Breakup

  31. Airtroduced

  32. Reality Show

  33. Mechanical Bull Riding Lawsuit

  34. Xtreme Date

  35. Lapdog Date

  36. Loud Bar

  37. Best Friend's Dad

  38. One Night Stand

  39. Triple Indie Feature

  40. Bad Playdate

  41. She Didn't Shut Up

  42. Meet My Homies

  43. NASCAR/Secondhand Smoke

  44. Arrives in Pajamas

  45. Wedding

  46. Date to Mate

  47. Dim Sum

  48. Car Ran Out of Gas

  49. Wicked Cheap

  50. Company Christmas Party

  51. Your Date

  1. Proposes on First Date

  Terminally ill or in serious need of a tax break, he pops the question.

  His living room, next to the Xbox. Certainly not the romantic, twilit streets of Paris that you had dreamed of telling your children about one day.

  "I'm a gambling man by nature . . . so deal or no deal?"

  "What's your name again?"

  At least he's not afraid of commitment.

  You actually considered it for a minute.

  2. Joe Hickey

  Things were actually going well—until, when it was time for the kiss, he pushed your face to the side and clamped onto your neck.

  That night it was boatneck shirt. The next day, turtleneck.

  "You taste delicious."

  "You're hurting my trachea.

  At least he didn't have braces (see date number 1 6).

  Having everyone in your office know you just got a hickey because, really, who wears a turtleneck in July?

  3. The Doodler

  You know it's going poorly when your date takes out a ballpoint pen and starts doodling like a sixth grader bored out of her mind in social studies class.

  Kiddie Burgers and Buns—paper tablecloths and markers provided.

  "I've heard art therapy can be really helpful."

  "Huh? Whah? Sorry, I think I finally figured out how to win tic-tac-toe every time."

  When she goes to the bathroom, you break her pen.

  She starts playing hangman, with an alarmingly lifelike portrait of your head in a noose.

  4. Karaoke

  Once they were both well-lubricated with gin and tonics, they found their way in front of a sweaty microphone, singing hits from the '70s and '80s. Poorly.

  Wong's Sing Sing on amateur night.

  Want Your Sex" and "Feel Like Making Love."

  "I Will Survive"—right before collapsing in her own vomit.

  She blacked out most of the night. The next day, he reminded her of her performance by e-mailing the video he recorded with his cell phone.

  He, and his dry cleaner, will never forget.

  5. She Was in It for the Meal

  She showed up late and made more eye contact with the kobe beef burger than with you.

  No idea. It was difficult noticing anything as she vacuumed up the dessert-for-two platter.

  "Urn, I wasn't finished with that yet."

  "Can I have a doggy bag?"

  Given the $250 tab, you'll definitely get a good table next time.

  The $250 tab.

  6. Surprise! You Were

  Related!

  After making out, it's back to her place where she starts flipping through the family album. Hmm, her cousin Jeffrey looks an awful lot like your cousin Jeffrey.

  Six years of therapy.

  "Well, the wedding would be half the size."

  "What happens in the family, stays in the family, you dig?"

  Move to Utah, join a compound, and it's all good.

  You liked it.

  7. Shorter in Person

  In his online photo he must be standing on a milk crate, or is in midair after jumping on a trampoline.

  OshKosh B'Gosh from the boys' section of the local department store.

  (in a deep baritone voice) "Yeah, I know, I slouch."

  (to the waiter) "I'll have the grilled shrimp. Oops, sorry."

  It's very easy to look over his head and scan the room for other possibilities.

  When the waiter handed him the children's menu.

  8. Painfully Chivalrous

  He arrived at your place early, brought a bouquet, opened the car door for you, and fastened your seat belt. At the restaurant he pulled the seat out for you, ordered for you, and fed you. After he drove you home, he walked you to the door and asked if you'd like him to go inside and turn on the lights. At his insistence, you called him when you got to your bedroom safely.

  Bow tie.

  "May I kiss you? Can I put my hand here?"

  "Can I gag you?"

  Bringing him to your women's studies class for show and tell.

  He wasn't so gracious when the bill came.

  9. Spinach in Teeth

  Fantastic! It couldn't have gone better. That is, until you looked in the mirror when you got home.

  Lodged between two front teeth. />
  Nothing, the jerk.

  (Later to her friend) "I now regret telling him his fly was open."

  The incident has encouraged active flossing between courses.

  You can never really let go of the idea that he might have been "the one."

  10. Ménage à Blackberry

  It's just you, your date, and your handheld devices.

  Largely untouched. Who has the time?

  "Sorry, it's Singapore. I have to take this."

  "Is that the new Treo 8700C with Quad Band? That's hot."

  You both share the same backward priorities: work before sex . . . and work again right after sex.

  She's more stimulated by the repeated vibrating e-mail notifications than you.

  11. Hope You Like Meat

  All you can eat $9.95 prime rib, ham off the bone, and every kind of wiener and wurst you've ever seen.

  Bib optional, but recommended.

  "Pace yourself. The dessert bar is killer.'

  "No, I will not 'take this napkin and wrap up those spare ribs and put them in my purse' for you."

  You can always eat through the awkward silence.

  The trichinosis.

  12. Conjugal Visit

  Long-distance relationships are always a trial. It only gets worse when the law is involved.

  A classy cell specifically designed for the purpose. Hopefully they change the sheets, if there are any.

  "Honey, I've only got ten minutes. Let's make the most of it."

  "Wait. I really want to talk first."

  Warden says he's a model inmate and with continued good behavior he could get released on the low side of his three-to-five-year stretch.

  That's not exactly something a girl can boast about to her parents and friends.

  13. Peep Show

  When he invited you to a "private screening," this wasn't exactly what you had in mind.

  Twenty-five cents for three minutes. Don't worry, he brought rolls of quarters.

  "Take away nudity and the three-ways and it's a lot like Phantom."

  "If you ever talk to me again I'm calling the police."

  When his quarters ran out.

  It looked like he still had a roll in his pocket when he got up to leave.

  14. Passover

  The holiday requires Jews to open their doors to all those who do not have a place to go to celebrate Passover. All his older brothers and sisters are married, so you better look good.

  Grandma Bubbe's stuffy one-bedroom apartment in Queens.

  "Why is this night different from all other nights? Because you look Jewlicious."

  "Why is your grandmother crying?"

  When he preemptively called you his girlfriend and kissed you on the cheek.

  His gefilte fish breath.

  15. Vegas "Date"

  She accidentally "ran into" him at the $25 progressive blackjack table. He turned $100 into $500—which later ended up in her purse.

  Room 1123 at the Bellagio.

  "Wow! We have real chemistry."

  "That will be $1,000."

  She threw in a lap dance.

  And a rash.

  16. First Date

  Dad drove them to the mall where they walked around for three hours, bought Pepsis, and killed time before they had to go into the dreaded photo booth. Would he make a move? The pressure was on. He'd told his friends that he would totally get to first base. His friends demanded proof.

  Two weeks allowance. Fifteen years of self-confidence.

  (To himself) "I hope locking braces is an urban legend."

  (To herself) "I hope, like, all this time spent practicing kissing my pillow pays off."

  Thirty years later, both divorced, they met up at their twentieth high school reunion. He had the old photo strip in his wallet and took it out. They married a year later.

  He's still a lousy kisser.

  17. Too Hot

  You can't take your eyes off her. And neither can any guy in the restaurant.

  Not the Olive Garden. The only olives she eats come directly off the olive trees of millionaires' third homes in Tuscany.

  Nothing memorable.

  Whatever she wants.

  For a moment, you actually think you have a shot. You believe those fortune cookies that told you personality and a sense of humor will take you far.

  Being pushed out of the way by the paparazzi. Returning from the restroom to find another man in your seat.

  18. Dating the Bartender

  You finally got the courage to ask your local bartender on a date. Of course, you thought that meant something besides watching him work all night as he attempts to catch liquor bottles behind his back Tom Cruise style.

  Stool.

  "I'll be with you in a minute.

  "My name is Cindy. Not Suzie."

  He's great looking. Bartenders can't live off tips and be ugly at the same time.

  He is also on a date with the girl playing pool. And the one outside having a cigarette.

  19. AA Meeting

  Sitting close to each other on folding chairs in a church basement, you can't help but develop feelings for each other.

  $0. Even the coffee and sugar cookies are free.

  "My name is Steve, and I'm an alcoholic.

  "My name is Doris, and I'm an alcoholic, too!"

  It's cute when he text messages you during the meeting.

  Your sponsors sit between you.

  20. Kiddy Date

  What is this, a playdate? (See date number 40.) What are you guys, nine? By age twenty-three, the motorized duck has lost some of its novelty.

  Bert's Puppet and S'more House.

  "I think it's really important to stay in touch with your inner child."

  "Please don't make me give you another piggyback ride.

  Chicken fingers and french fries are good no matter what age you are.

  When he tries to kiss her, all the nine-year-olds circle around, singing "FIRST COMES LOVE, THEN COMES MARRIAGE, THEN COMES A BABY IN THE BABY CARRIAGE!" It was embarrassing in elementary school; it's still painful.

  21. Protest Rally

  That passionate Che Guevara wannabe finally asked you out.

  Cardboard, markers—on him.

  (As he straps on a gas mask) "Better safe than sorry.'

  "How do you spell 'Condoleezza?'"

  He wants to see you again—in D.C. for the Million Man March. It must be getting serious.

  The one-hour wait for the porta-potty. And once you're in? No t.p.

  22. Almost Divorced

  Actually, he's just separated. He hasn't moved out, but he's filing for divorce. It's just a matter of time until it's official. Honest.

  Dinner, a few towns away.

  (As he takes her hand) "I can't tell you how wonderful this is. You're so open and trusting. Unlike my wife. Sorry, ex-wife.

  "I feel a little uncomfortable holding your hand when there's a wedding ring on it."