50 Dates Worse Than Yours Read online

  He's got a daughter your age and you're sure to be great friends.

  When his neighbor spotted him, he quickly pushed you under the table.

  23. Creepy Non-Blinker

  He's not like the other guys who could care less what you talk about. He listens to you, with intensity, like Hannibal Lecter listened to Clarice Starling.

  "I like it how you pronounce my name. Say my name."

  "I have a cat. She looks like you. I think she'd like your scent."

  "You look great. I could just eat you . . . with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Ftftftftftftft. Just kidding. But I could."

  He never took his eyes off of you. Never.

  You now have to change your cell phone number and locks, just in case.

  24. She Was Pregnant

  On her online profile she checked off A Few Extra Pounds. Unfortunately, Third Trimester wasn't a category.

  A free-flowing peasant top, drawstring pants, and sandals to accommodate her swollen feet.

  Nothing. Sometimes words are insufficient.

  "Want to feel him? Here, that's his foot."

  D-cup.

  She has twins at home.

  25. The Dutchman

  Ladies, bring your checkbook. It's actually not so much that he's a spendthrift as he's a great believer in equality. Fifty-fifty exactly.

  Whatever it is, it's split right down the middle.

  "I'll pay by credit card if you give me cash. I love miles."

  "No, really, the cab is on me. You broke the bank with those carnations."

  He springs for half-price Mondays at Mr. Sushi.

  A.k.a. Mr. Food Poisoning.

  26. Needs a Green Card

  When Judy from the mailroom promised to set her up with a handsome, suave (Eastern) European, Melanie couldn't turn her down.

  Members Only.

  "Hello. Marry me.

  "I could only marry for love. Or ten grand."

  Listening to him spontaneously pledge allegiance to the flag.

  He slipped an 1-1 30 residency sponsor form in front of her as she was signing her credit card slip.

  27. Cockfight

  Two live roosters enter, only one leaves.

  Iloilo, Philippines. Or an illegally soundproofed basement.

  "You are really in for a treat. You have no idea what I had to do to get these seats."

  "What gets bloodstains out of clothes? Is it salt?"

  The fights are quick. The roosters' legs have razors attached—one-rounders for sure.

  He offers to buy what's left of the losing bird and roast it for dinner.

  28. Cow Tipping

  The wine and cheese picnic in a grassy meadow he promised wasn't what you had expected.

  $0. Like all the best things in life, or so he says.

  "Come on now, you got to put your shoulder into it.'

  "Wow. That cow seems to know you really well."

  It's cheaper than cable.

  Apparently, Farmer John doesn't take kindly to visitors. And he owns a double-barrel shotgun.

  29. Was It a Date?

  You have friends in common and even met up for lunch a couple times over the years. When he asked you out to a movie, the question was: Is it more of the same, or is he taking it to the next level?

  A mystery. The spaghetti strap tank is too suggestive, but a hooded sweatshirt makes you look like one of the gang.

  "I couldn't decide between a romantic comedy and an action movie. So I hope this documentary is okay."

  "I find global warming so romantic."

  There's an exciting tension all night long.

  It goes completely unresolved. And his text the next day"i had a great time. UR cool"—doesn't settle the issue.

  30. Breakup

  The last—short and sweet, or long and torturous, you can never tell.

  Doing it over the phone is out of the question. A public place is best (so there are witnesses if she tries to stab you). Unfortunately, she chose the location of your first kiss. Looks like it's an all-nighter . . .

  "I'll never love anyone the way I loved you." (Translation: "Can I have your hot cousin Lisa's phone number?")

  "I hope we can still be friends." (Translation: "I hate you."

  Breakup sex.

  You have to start going to the gym again.

  31. Airtroduced

  The Los Angeles to New Zealand hump. What could have been a great time to finally read Middlemarch turns into a twelve-hour pickup attempt.

  Sadly, coach.

  "Man, I can't believe a babe like you would be traveling alone." (That was his opening line. It only gets worse...)

  "Tickle me under my blanket one more time and I will have you handcuffed by the air marshal."

  It turns out he's allergic to peanuts.

  He's on your return flight, too.

  32. Reality Show

  Two strangers get to know each other over a candlelight dinner. It sounds ideal—except for the crew members, the cameras, the klieg lights, and the fact that this is going to be nationally broadcast.

  Fly bar. Then sound booth to overdub—the boom mic wasn't working.

  "Hey, I think you're great. But I already do a stand-up routine about Irish girls. Do you have any cute Asian friends?"

  (Crying to camera on her way home) "Even though we only knew each other for twenty minutes, I never loved anyone like I loved him . . . This would be perfect material for a song. Did I mention I'm a singer? I have my own Web site . . ."

  Free round-trip airfare to the set, free dinner, free fifteen minutes of fame.

  Your hometown's economy was riding on you. You can kiss that homecoming parade goodbye.

  33. Mechanical Bull Riding Lawsuit

  A moment on the steer, a lifetime in the Supreme Court of Alabama.

  Cowboy Bar and Grill just off of 1-85.

  (To his attorney) "I swear I didn't see her do that fifth shot of Jägermeister."

  (Just before being catapulted head-first to the ground) "Look at me! No hands!"

  Collecting thousands in disability insurance.

  Getting dumped while you have a feeding tube in your mouth.

  34. Xtreme Date

  A new trend in alternative dating. Mountain biking, jogging, whitewater rafting, karate—these dates will certainly break the ice, if not a leg.

  Class 5 rapids. Later, the emergency room.

  "No, really, this is fine for a beginner.''

  (To herself) "Cold. So cold. Must stay conscious

  A break from the usual dinner and coffee date.

  Six months in traction.

  35. Lapdog Date

  When she said her best friend was a dog you thought you could just pawn her off on your cousin. Little did you know you'd be watching her French-kiss an overgrown rat all night.

  Miss Maple's Doggy Heaven. Everything on the menu is liver flavored.

  "Is it really true a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's?"

  "Little Bella really likes you! She usually hates men.

  Her cuddling needs are taken care of.

  Dating one bitch is bad enough.

  36. Loud Bar

  Your date looks cute. Too bad you can't hear a thing. For all you know, he doesn't even speak English.

  A club with as many flashing, strobing lights as booming beats per second. A whole wall has been converted into a woofer.

  "Whaaaaaaat??!! Huhhhhh??!!"

  You have no idea.

  You don't have to worry about your comments being interesting, clever, witty, or tasteless.

  It goes from blind date to deaf date quite rapidly.

  37. Best Friend's Dad

  After your best friend Kirsten slept with your boyfriend, you decide to enact the ultimate revenge.

  Dinner and drinks: $80, on him. The look on Kirsten's face when she learns that you bedded the man who taught her how to roller-skate: Priceless.

  "Are you sure Kirsten is okay with this? I think I just saw her in th
e parking lot slashing your tires."

  "I always thought you were really attractive, Mr. Adams. Remember when you helped me build that volcano diorama for the science fair?"

  You can now suggest to Kirsten that she call you "Mommy.'

  He demands that you call him "Big Daddy."

  38. One Night Stand

  Usually occurs around closing time when the desperate spot each other across the bar.

  Less is more.

  "My place or yours?"

  Just giggled while shoving him into the cab.

  You are getting some!

  You are getting some (crabs)

  39. Triple Indie Feature

  When he asked if you wanted to go the movies, you were expecting a romantic comedy. Six hours of subtitles later, you can't wait to get home.

  Two movie tickets. He made you sneak into the other ones.

  "I find dwarves so evocative, don't you?"

  "Wake me up when the dream sequence is over.'

  The previews, as always.

  Getting deep venous thrombosis (DVT) from sitting still for six hours.

  40. Bad Playdate

  Gabriel's parents arranged for the infamous Johnson sisters to come over. Though roughly the same age as Gabriel, they each have a foot on him, which they leverage to their advantage—double noogies, headlocks, and tickle torture.

  Playroom/torture chamber.

  "No, no, no, no, no, no! Help! Somebody!"

  "What? You want to play dress-up? Sis, get the mascara, rouge, and that summer dress I saw hanging in the bathroom."

  The video of the makeover places third in The World's Craziest Home Movies.

  The bra fits.

  41. She Didn't Shut Up

  To avoid any awkward silence, she spews forth a run-on sentence comprised of commentary about her life so far, a recitation of the menu, her great ambitions, and the haunting traumas of her upper-middle-class family.

  Unfortunately, a very quiet restaurant.

  "Uh-huh. Yeah. You don't say. Hmm. Uh-huh."

  ". . . which is when my parents got divorced which likely resulted in my older brother Jason dropping out of college to join an ashram where he got addicted to black tea and then got involved in an herbal products pyramid scheme which brings me back to my point that . . ."

  The brief moment she choked on a carrot.

  When the waiter knew the Heimlich maneuver.

  42. Meet My Homies

  A quiet evening at home suddenly turns into a night of Philly blunts, Hennessey, gin and juice, and his posse just "kickin' it."

  Your crib.

  "Stop trying to get my cat high."

  "Just keepin' it real, sistah."

  Flashing gang signs at the neighbors.

  Turns out your neighbors are Crips.

  43. NASCAR/Secondhand Smoke

  Lower-deck tickets to NASCAR, the most popular sporting event in America, featuring free emission fumes and noise pollution. But it's more than a sport; it's also a drinking game.

  He picks you up in his pride and joy—a modified 2007 Mitsubishi Eclipse with the licensed The Fast and the Furious conversion kit.

  "I love the smell of exhaust in the morning!"

  "Wait, so I drink every time there's a yellow flag, and twice when there's a multicar wreck?"

  It's much better than watching NASCAR on TV, where every other commercial is for erectile dysfunction.

  Having to hear him say "hummina, hummina" every time the lone female driver passes the stretch of track closest to you.

  44. Arrives in Pajamas

  On the fifth date, he decided to take the relationship to the next step—the sleepover.

  In the spirit of Hugh Hefner, he sported Brooks Brothers flannel PJs. A Victoria's Secret teddy was laid out for her.

  "I just feel really comfortable around you."

  "I think I gave those pajamas to my dad for father's day."

  What he lacked in underwear he made up for in flowers and champagne.

  He started pitching a tent halfway through Finding Nemo.

  45. Wedding

  You're the only single bridesmaid. You're going to look bad enough in that shrimp-bisque-colored dress—arriving solo would put you over the edge. Unfortunately, the only person you could find was your next-door neighbor, who will go anywhere if he can drink for free.

  A three-hour boat cruise. Don't think you're getting out of this one easy.

  "Cash bar?! Give me twenty bucks.

  (To the father of the bride) "We're still in the courtship phase."

  He certainly livened things up by cutting in on the bride and groom's first dance.

  When he dove under the bride's dress, beating the groom to the garter.

  46. Date to Mate

  When he suggested that your pedigree dogs meet, it sounded perfect. He's cute, and has breeding on the mind.

  The dog park, where anything goes.

  "This is going to be great. Hybrids are all the rage."

  "Are you sure this is going to work? Fifi looks awfully small."

  Watching the action put a real spark in his eye.

  Apparently, it didn't take. The next week, you saw him chatting up some tart with a Pekingese.

  47. Dim Sum

  You thought dim sum would show you were spontaneous and open to new things. Like intestine.

  An authentic Chinatown dim sum hall: no menus, little English spoken, and inside every steaming bamboo bowl a mystery.

  "Mmm. This sure smells good."

  "You just ate braised chicken foot.

  Your fortune cookie said you might get lucky tonight.

  Your stomach has different ideas.

  48. Car Ran Out of Gas

  It was supposed to be dinner and drinks. Instead it was gas cans and lots of walking.

  Route 4 off the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

  "You're not going to believe this but . . ."

  "Do you have any idea how much these shoes cost? Manolos, Bob. Man-o-los."

  Walking together in the rain could be construed as kind of romantic.

  Or it could be construed as a wet T-shirt contest.

  49. Wicked Cheap

  He said dinner and a movie, and technically he delivered. His and hers burgers and an action flick on the mini-DVD player Velcroed to the dashboard.

  The drive-thru.

  "I'd say go for it and supersize, but darn, they took it off the menu. Maybe the Hamburglar stole it? Hope Mayor McCheese doesn't put him in county McJail. Ha! But seriously, you're small. One cheeseburger should do it."

  "I'm a stage-four vegan."

  You found Raisinettes in the glove compartment.

  When the battery ran out on the DVD player and he suggested "creating our own entertainment."

  50. Company Christmas Party

  Until you had five cups of eggnog at the annual Xmas bash, you never realized how cute Allison from accounting was.

  The festive twelfth-floor conference room.

  "I promise it won't be weird on Monday."

  "Are you familiar with the current definition of sexual harassment in the workplace?"